Everyone has an opinion. And these opinions are turning into rumors.  Even actor Rob Lowe has gotten in on it. He tweeted that Peyton was not going to be around another season. How does he know? Well, he’s friends with the Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay, so people thought that he does have the inside scoop. But Irsay denied that rumor.

There are lessons to be learned from this scenario for those of us who do not have a staff of professional football players–those of us who work with mere mortals !

• In the absence of information, rumors will be spread.
• When rumors spread, morale begins to plummet.
• Resentments can build based on false information.

So bosses, do what you can to keep water cooler gossip at a minimum.  Communicate often. If you don’t say anything, your employees will make it up.

Laws may vary in each state. And this is NOT a website offering legal advise. You must see an attorney for that information. This website is about the human side of difficult conversations.

I am aware from my own experiences with my mother’s passing, that these conversations about feeding tubes were vital. They were so packed with emotion that it was difficult to grasp what was happening and the decisions that needed to be made with a clear mind.  I needed to be the advocate to make sure her final wishes were honored, her DNR. Fortunately, I had many family members who offered total support during this time.

We all had many tough talks about end of life issues over the years with Mom.  Of course, many tears were shed. But the fact that we had those tough talks with her made the decision I had to make a bit easier.

The emotions felt (the E in the Tough Talks™ CHECK® system) impact how we react in tough times. They make it difficult to remember exactly what is said and what steps must be taken.

I recommend that, during these difficult conversations with hospitals and doctors,
you have a friend with you who can be your note keeper. When your emotions are so raw and your heart so broken, it is almost impossible to function the way you must. It’s helpful to have someone who can think straight, take notes, and remind you of what needs to be done.

Thanks, Mom, for making my hospital tough talk a bit easier. You always were my angel.

“My husband and I are concerned that she won’t visit the restroom often enough,” she explained. “How do we handle this difficult conversation? What should we say?”

Difficult conversations become overwhelming when a person doesn’t have a plan. The topic or circumstances may vary, but the feelings of embarrassment, hurt, shame, sadness, etc., are bound to occur at some level in every unpleasant discussion. Understanding the elements involved in tough talks™ and practicing what to say ahead of time can mitigate them.

I advised her of the following:

• Make her difficult discussion a one-on-one conversation. Mom may feel ganged up on if both Cara and her husband talked about this sensitive issue.
• Think about the positive feelings that her mother-in-law can have if all goes well. Turn negative consequences around by focusing on good outcomes.
• Make her mother-in-law a part of the solution.

Here are the words I suggested she use:

• “Mom, I want to make sure you have a wonderful time at this family event. What can I do to help you?”
• “I have to use the restroom quite frequently myself these days. Is that a problem for you, too?”
• “Would you like me to carry extra supplies of personal hygiene products in my purse?”
• “How about if we both use the bathroom together throughout the event?”

Cara told me the event was a success.  Her mother-in-law appreciated her kind words and help. (No need for her son to be involved in this “ladies only” crucial conversation.)

“She wanted to take a small handbag, so I carried extra supplies in my purse. We visited the restroom every half hour. No accidents at all. It was a great day.”

By facing the tough talk™ with the other person in mind, thinking through the words to say, and keeping the conversation to “just the girls,” Cara made this difficult discussion a win-win for all.

For an in depth look at the 5 step CHECK® system for handling difficult topics, order Tough Talks™ in Tough Times: What Bosses Need to Know to Deliver Bad News, Motivate Employees & Stay Sane.  The CHECK® system works at work and at home.

Let me know how I can help you with your difficult discussion. Send your tough talks™ questions to me at Jean@ToughTalks.biz. Or you can post your comments on this blog.

Here is a video about overcoming the fear of public speaking. In it, I offer five proven techniques to make these kinds of tough talks even easier.

For more hints on speaking in public, Powerful Presentation Road Maps is now available as an ebook. Here’s a brief summary and information on how you can get a copy of it.

I recently spoke to the National Association of Mutual Insurance Companies Leadership Forum on the subject.  This video is a segment from it in which I outline some of the difficult conversations that the participants face.  I asked them if they would  have the Tough Talk™ ?  Or would they opt to take a long walk?

They might have walked before the session.  But after it, they had a system, the CHECK^® system to use.

Here’s the video.  What would you do if you were in this situation?

Lois Creamer, a small business consultant and coach, whose company is called Book More Business, has a good way to handle the tough topic.  She writes:

I suggest you talk about your fees as if they were a commodity. If anyone says your fee is to high, I suggest you say this:

“Yes, my fee is high. So are the results I bring my clients. I must admit that I am thrilled my fees have risen. It says that I’m in demand. If I am not a fit for this (project), perhaps I can suggest someone less experienced with less expertise who may be able to do the job for you.”

This is Step 2 in the Tough Talks™ CHECK® system: learning how to say things in an appropriate manner.

Expectations are high during the season.  We all want  a Norman Rockwell kind of holiday. But  too much togetherness can bring out the worst in many people. Emotions run high and are often uncontrolled.

The CHECK^® system is a 5 step system for handling difficult discussions.  (And many discussions become difficult during the holidays.) The third step is the E in CHECK^®.  E stands for Emotions.

Emotions seem to reach a peak when alcohol comes into play. Beaujolais and butter rum eggnog may be a tradition during holiday meals, but it is wise to keep a cork in the bottle, or your mouth, if you want to end the day with relationships in tact.

Know when to quit talking. Let the win-lose battles take place between the Lions and the Patriots, not Uncle Larry and Aunt Patrice. Save your mouth for eating!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yesterday I was doing a book signing of Tough Talks in Tough Times and I received visual confirmation of my research findings. I asked people to recall a difficult situation they have had or will be having in the future.  As soon as I mentioned the face that the mere act of thinking about the discussion brings on as much anxiety as the actual discussion does, the heads began nodding. In fact, I don’t think there was anyone in the room who didn’t respond that way.

Before your next difficult conversation, you might want to look at this short video. It briefly explains what happens when they are postponed and gives a synopsis of the CHECK system.

Because they are another outlet for you to be in front of people, how you come across on them impacts your professional image. Jan Dwyer Bang, president of Boundless Results, a Seattle-based training and consulting firm, offer these etiquette suggestions, for the times when you are a participant in a group teleseminar.

1. Turn off the “call waiting” feature of your phone during the call.  For most phones, simply dialing *70 will allow you to disconnect this feature momentarily.
2. Use the mute feature on your phone or be aware of muting your phone per the moderator’s instructions to ensure a non-distracted class.
3. When participating in the discussion, identify yourself by first name prior to your comment or question.  Phrase your questions or comments clearly and concisely.
4. Wait for others to finish speaking before you speak.  Within a virtual call/class, it is difficult to “see the raising of the hands” that would normally happen in a face-to-face class, and you need to be aware of speaking over another person.
5. Respect all participants on the call.  Take into consideration the participants’ needs, questions, and comments.